T-Mobile has always railed against the AT&T and Verizon “Duopoly,” but it never said anything about being part of a monopoly.
Flipping U.S. regulators the bird, the Un-carrier on Friday joined forces with wireless giants AT&T, Verizon and Sprint to form a single supercarrier aptly dubbed “NoChoiceWireless.” All subsidiary prepaid brands were also included in the unprecedented – and more than slightly illegal – merger.
Though FCC Chairman Tim Wheeler decried the move as a step toward “the exact opposite of choice and competition,” the former carriers said the merger will help them fend off greedy consumers.
NoChoiceWireless said data-rabid former T-Mobile, AT&T and Sprint customers will finally be corralled back into the land of limits, rejoining the ranks of the never-freed former Verizon customers.
The carrier said Friday it will provide a single plan option that includes unlimited nothing and 2GB of data for $250 per month per customer.
“They left us no choice,” battered former T-Mobile CEO James Legeer said. “We tried to be cool about things, but the customers always wanted more. It had to end. It’s for their own good.”
Former Verizon CEO Randy McSchmadam said he was happy the other carriers finally saw the light in limits.
“Told you so,” McSchmadam said in a statement.
Despite the new limits, there is one major benefit for consumers.
Every wireless customer in the nation now has the #1 network in the country, according to a revised MootMetrics report.
Editor’s Note: The article above is completely fictitious. The carriers have not merged, and no companies, executives or officials contributed comments – real or fake – to this piece.
Happy April Fool’s Day, all! Carry on.
Filed Under: Carriers
